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WORLD EXCLUSIVE! 30 SECOND BOWIE INTERVIEW ON THE NEXT DAY

Me:     "When is The Next Day released in the UK?"

David: "March 11th"

Me:     "What about the USA?"

David: "The next day."

Me:     "And what about Japan."

David: "The next day."

Me:     "Stop messing around! Are you cutting and pasting your answers?"




MEET ME AT THE AIRPORT

Aer Lingus pilot: "I'm arriving into Manchester Airport on 8th March at 7.30am. Do you want me to bring you an extra copy of the new Bowie album with me?"

Me: "Yes sure that would be great. Where shall I meet you?"

Pilot: "Meet me at 8am at Joe's Kitchen and Coffee House at Terminal 1. You've got my mobile number haven't you?"

Me: "OK. How much do I owe you?"

Pilot: "I reckon fifty quid"

Me: "I reckon feck off."

Pilot: "LOL I'm joking. It's only £30."

Me: "Only? Feck off."

Pilot: "Look I'm only a co-pilot. I don't earn that much you know."

Me: "£15 and two pints of Guinness."

Pilot: "OK forget the fecking £15 then!"

Me: "Deal!"




IN BLUE JEANS AND TATTOOS

A few years ago David Bowie was backstage at a Mötley Crüe concert having a chat with drummer Tommy Lee.

David is admiring Tommy's array of tattoo's.

Tommy asks David: "Do you have any tattoos?"

"Yes." replies David. "Look here on the back of my leg. It's a man riding a dolphin with a Japanese Serenity prayer."

"Cool. That looks great man. Got any others?" asks Tommy.

"Yes. I also have my favourite album title tattooed on my penis."

"Low?" enquiries Tommy.

"No. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars." announces David.




A MIXED MEDIA TRIO

Back in 1968, David set up a project with Hermione Farthingale and Tony Hill. Turquoise was the greatest act that David Bowie was ever involved with.

It's cyantifically proven.




A FLEETING MOMENT

In 1967 David Bowie joined a monastery called Samye Ling, the first Buddhist monastery in Europe. Scotland to be exact.

His first personal spiritual development is to take a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every twelve months.

After the first year, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.

Another year passes. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away.

The third year passes. They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."




I WILL SIT RIGHT DOWN

Tony Visconti finally gets back to the studio at Château d'Hérouville after a night out in Paris at 2am in the morning.

He opens the door and walks into the control room. It's absolutely pitch black. He flicks the light switch and nothing happens.

He notices a familiar figure in a chair...

"David? Why are you sat here in complete darkness?" he asks.

"Blew, blew, electric's blew."




SEE MY LIFE IN A COMIC...

David Bowie Cartoon Strip: Loving The Alien by Mike Torevell



SPEED OF LIFE

David Bowie and Iggy Pop are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees them both and begins to head towards them.

David drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

Iggy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," says David. "I just need to outrun you!"




WHO'S THAT IN THE STUDIO?

David Bowie walks into the Mountain Studios in Montreux and sees Tony Visconti and Brian Eno at the recording console...

David: "Hi Tony. Hi Brian. What are you up to?"
Brian: "We're adding some new sounds to 'African Night Flight'."
David: "Who's that in the recording booth?"
Tony: "It's Ian Botham."
David: "What the fuck is he doing here?"
Brian: "He's that cricket menace I mentioned last week"




DRINK TO ME

David and Iggy Pop are fishing on a lake in Berlin. Iggy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.

"Turn the lake into beer," says Iggy.

The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

He says to David, "So what do you think?"

David says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat!"




YOU LITTLE WONDER, LITTLE WONDER YOU...

David Bowie is about to start band rehearsals for his latest world tour. On the first day, Gail Ann Dorsey walks into the studios and after all saying their hello's and greetings, she asks David where Mike Garson is.

"Mike's gonna be slightly delayed. He's doing his solo stuff till next month. So to fill in for him we got this guy here." replies David.

Gail is completely taken aback to see a one foot high man brilliantly tinkling away on the ivories. He sounds absolutely amazing.

"He's brilliant! Where on earth did you find him?" she asks David.

"Well," he says. "Last week I helped an old lady across the road. She turned out to be a good fairy and granted me a wish. "Sadly, she must have been hard of hearing because I ended up with a 12-inch pianist."




SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN

There were three tortoises named David, Gail and Erik. They went on a picnic together which took 10 days to get to their destination.

On their arrival, David got the sandwiches and beer out, but they had forgot to bring the bottle opener, so Erik was voted to go back and get it.

Erik didn't want to go back though, as he thought that David and Gail would eat all the sandwiches, but they promised him that that they wouldn't.

After 10 days, Erik still hadn't returned. So they waited another 10 days and he still wasn't back. Obviously by this time they were getting really hungry, but a promise is a promise.

After another 5 more days, they were so hungry they thought sod it and just as they opened their mouths to bite into the sandwiches out from behind a rock Erik appeared and said...

"I knew it! Right I'm not going now!"




SONG FOR DAVID BOWIE

Now hear this David Robert Jones
I wrote a song for you
About a strange young man called Bowie
With a voice like Tony New
His words of lonely spacemen
They could send us to the stars
Brought a few more people out
And touched their feet on the side of Mars

     Ah, here she comes
     Here she comes
     Here she comes again
     The ever changing lady
     From the brow of Chameleon
     She'll scratch this world to pieces
     As she comes on like a friend
     But a cut up song
     From a sci-fi book
     Could send her home again

Gave your heart to every teenage girl
At least a ribbon in her hair
And you sat behind a million glitter kids
And told them what to wear
Then you fell upon the earth
The soul was all your own
With paranoia rising
We'd rather be scared
In your mind alone

     Ah, here she comes
     Here she comes
     Here she comes again
     The ever changing lady
     From the brow of Chameleon
     She'll scratch this world to pieces
     As she comes on like a friend
     But a cut up song
     From a sci-fi book
     Could send her home again

Now hear this David Robert Jones
Though I don't suppose we'll meet
Ask your good friend Bowie
If he's lost in Heddon Street
Tell him the telephones ringing
And there's water on the bar
Give us back our train of thought
Give us back the clothes we brought
You're every nation's astronaut
Don't leave us with insanity

     Ah, here she comes
     Here she comes
     Here she comes again
     The ever changing lady
     From the brow of Chameleon
     She'll scratch this world to pieces
     As she comes on like a friend
     But a cut up song
     From a sci-fi book
     Could send her home again


(© Written by Chris aka HeddonStBoy)




RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES

David Bowie walked into a bar and sat down beside a women. Suddenly her glass eye popped out and he caught it. She thanked him and asked him if he would join her for breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address.

The next day he went to her house and had a lovely breakfast. He asked, "Do you treat all men like this?"

She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."




JUST BIG HEADS AND DRUMS

David Bowie is being led through the jungle on a safari. He begins to hear some really furious, pounding drums, rolling along without end. After 15 minutes of this, he asks the guide "When do the drums stop?" The guide answers "Oh, the drums NEVER stop. Bad things happen then."

David ponders this for about two hours more of furious pounding, and says, irritated, "When do the drums stop?!?" "The drums never stop. Bad things happen when the drums stop."

Finally, after 5 hours, David asks "What bad thing happens when the drums stop?"

"BASS SOLO."



How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He prays to the light machine.

How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He stands on a ch-ch-chair.

How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He's torn between the light and dark.

How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He climbs upon the toppest top of all the tops that man has pushed beyond his brain - forgets the bulb then has to climb right down again.

How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He's waiting at the light know what I mean.

How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He doesn't. Just the beer light to guide us.




DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS

Ziggy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

Ziggy explains, "The damn thing must be an hour fast."




YOU PULL ON YOUR FINGER

After a few beers, Elton and David both head to the mens' room.

Elton said to David, "I wish I had one like my cousin George. He needs four fingers, to hold his."

"You're holding yours with four fingers now," replied David.

"Yeah, but I'm peeing on three on 'em!" complained Elton.




I'M AN ALLIGATOR

David Bowie goes down to The Arts Lab at The Three Tuns pub, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!" Sure enough. David looked around and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried. "This alligator is tame. It wouldn't hurt anyone."

However, the bartender is adamant. David continues, "If I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?" "Well, I guess so," says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone here that your alligator is tame!"

David smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts. "Sit up." With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist. BANG. BANG. BANG. And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG.

And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. David pulls out his wanger, and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but don't bite." BANG. BANG. BANG.

As David pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting David's dick off. The crowd sighs, and David says, "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG. The alligator's mouth opens wide again.

"There," says David to the crowd. "Now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says, "Yeah, I'll try. But only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard."




I LAUGHED AND SHOOK HIS HAND

A pirate was talking to Sailor in a bar. Sailor noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. Sailor just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" Sailor was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the Sailor asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." Sailor asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"




WHILE PULLING THE WAITERS

David and Iman are having a romantic meal in a restaurant in New York City. Out of the blue a Panda walks, sits down and orders a meal. He eats the meal, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the Panda stands up to leave, David shouts out, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot our favourite waiter and you didn't even pay for your meal!"

The Panda yells back at David, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

David opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."




BUT HE CAN KICK LIKE A MULE

David is driving through Africa on safari and stops by a watering hole to watch a turtle. After a short time he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and looks at David for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the better part of a mile.

David asks, "What did you do that for?"

"Well," answers the Elephant, "About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that son of a bitch, and paid him back."

"Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that turtle looked like after that many years?" asks David.

The elephant replied, "I have turtle recall."




GONZO THE GREAT SAYS HELLO





JEAN GENIE LOVES CHIMNEY STACKS

David was in a bar in Bermuda and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as David had never seen before. David asked the man where he got it.

The man said, "There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish."

So off went David and found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish." David thinks for a while and says, "OK I want one million bucks."

The genie says, "It is done. Go home and in one hour go look out of your window into your back garden." After an hour, David looked outside and all he saw was DUCKS everywhere.

David was irate. He went back to the bar and said to the man with the lighter, "I am so disgusted. I found the genie, but instead of one million bucks, that genie gave me one million DUCKS."

The man said, "You think you're disgusted. Do you honestly think I asked that genie for a nine-inch BIC?"



SQUAWKING LIKE A PINK MONKEY BIRD

David had a parrot he trained to sing. One Christmas he took the parrot to the local bar and told everyone that if you put a match under the parrot's right foot he would sing 'Little Drummer Boy' and if you put the match under his left foot he would sing 'Peace On Earth'.

Of course the people in the bar wanted to see it. And, sure enough, he put a match under the parrot's right foot and he sang 'Little Drummer Boy'. He put the match under the parrot's left foot, and low and behold, he sang 'Peace On Earth'.

One guy asked him what would happen if he put a match between the parrot's legs. He answered, "I don't know. Try it and find out."

So, the guy put a match between the parrot's legs, and immediately the parrot began singing, "Chestnuts roasting..."


AS THE LABEL FOR THE DOG

A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case.

"What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks. "Want to buy some meat?"

"Woof!" barks the dog.

"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..."

"Woof!" interrupts the dog.

"And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..."

"Woof!" signals the dog.

The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse. As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment building, climbs to the top floor, and begins scratching at a door. With that, the door swings open and an angry David starts shouting at the dog.

"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!"

"Intelligent?" counters David. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"


WE CAME FROM THE FARMLANDS

David Bowie decides to pack in the music business and go and live on a farm. So he walks into town to purchase some animals to start up his farm. He walks over to the farmers' market and asks the vendor for a rooster. The clerk says "We don't call them roosters here, we call 'em cocks."

So David buys one cock, then points at another animal and asks, "What do you call that?" The clerk replies, "That's a pullet." David agrees to purchase one.

Lastly, he asks the vendor for a donkey. The clerk replies "We don't call them donkeys, we call 'em an ass, but we only have one left and he's very temperamental." David says he needs one anyway, and asks what's wrong with it. The clerk says that once in a while it will stop walking and it won't budge unless you scratch it behind the ears.

David pays for his animals and begins to walk home. Along the way, the donkey stops and doesn't move.

David has his arms full with the rooster and pullet, and stops a woman who was passing by. He says, "Pardon me, would you mind holding my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"


I'LL GIVE YOU BACK MY FARM

A horse and a chicken are playing in the fields of David Bowie's new farm. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get David to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farmhouse, but David can't be found. So he drives David's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving the horse from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from David.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thing' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did, and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.


I WISH I'D PLAYED THE DOODAH HORN

David walks into the recording studio with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the studio that this is a very talented octopus. He says that it can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone in the studio laughs at David, and obviously don't believe him. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

Tony Visconti walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. Tony pays up his $50.

Then Gail Ann Dorsey picks up a trumpet and takes it over. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. Gail Ann pays up her $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"


AND FINGERS IN BLOOD

Iman looked at David and Duncan as they cleaned up their bloodied fingers. "Well, have you two finally learned never to go near snapping turtles at the pond?" she asked.

David replied, "Yes, Iman. It really tortoise a lesson."


SOMEWHERE IN A PLACE LIKE THAT

David Bowie and John Lennon after finishing their work in the studio decide to go on holiday together.

"Where do you fancy going then John?" asks David.

"Dunno Dave, what do you reckon?"

"Hong Kong?" David says.

"Not enough time at the moment, let's go there next year. I've only got 3 days off. How about somewhere in England?" says John.

"Well Cornwall is lovely this time of year." suggests David.

"Yeah sounds great." says John.

So off they travel down to Cornwall in a luxury chauffeur driven Limousine.

Driven via the scenic route weaving through the country lanes, they finally reach the border of Cornwall and Devon.

"John," says David... "Imagine there's no Devon."



WE ARE HUNGRY MEN

So David's got a new personal assistant for the week whilst in the recording studio. During a break he asks her:

"Erica, could you nip down to the deli and get me a corn beef sandwich?"

"Sure David, no problem." replies Erica.

David adds: "If they've got no corned beef, ham will do."

So off pops Erica to the deli and can't find any corn beef anywhere and forgetting what David said she buys spam instead.

On returning to the studio, she puts the sandwich down on the table. David is busy writing a song and is completely stuck for a title. He takes a bite of his sandwich and discovering Erica's mistake, shouts out to her: "This is not ham Erica!"



IT COULDN'T BE DONE WITHOUT DOGS...

David is hired to play his saxophone on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he got to play two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, David can't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told David where he can go to see it.

A month later, David, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.

The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverted porno flick ever... group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, David turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turned to David and whispered back, "We're just here to see our dog..."



AND TREMBLE LIKE A FLOWER

David walks into a garden centre holding a plant pot aloft and complaining furiously about the potted plant he'd bought the previous week for Iman.

"What's wrong Mr. Bowie?" asks the assistant.

"It's this plant I bought last week - it's died already."

"Have you got your receipt sir?"

"No I haven't."

"Well I'm afraid we cannot exchange it then."

"Look," says David. "I demand a better Fuchsia."



PERCEIVED UNKNOWN BY AN EYE THAT PEERS FROM A HOLE IN THE TENT...

Brian Eno and David Bowie went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, David awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Brian, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Brian replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Brian pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

"Brian, you arse... some fucker has stolen our tent."




MAMAS AND PAPAS INSANE

A young David out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor.

Having admired her from afar he decides to go and to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed.

I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Her Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and her Mum is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her panties and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her nether regions. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the David reluctantly recounts the story.

"Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind."

"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair, leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

David can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.

"It's easily explained. Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.'"


THIS GIRL IS MADE OF LIPSTICK

Ziggy was sitting at a bar enjoying an aftershow cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that Ziggy could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition."

Slightly take aback, Ziggy asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

Ziggy considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."


SEX AND THE CHURCH

As an ultimate test of his will power, David decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, Iman agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so Iman wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on David, so Iman took to locking the bedroom door and forcing David to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on Iman's bedroom door.

     "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
     David: "Guess who?"
     Iman: "I know who it is!"
     David: "Guess what I want?"
     Iman: "I know what you want!"
     David: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"


NITE FLIGHTS

Brian Eno and David Bowie are deep in conversation during their flight to New York.

"I'm telling you my friend, it's spelt w-o-o-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-b, wooooommmmb!" said Brian.
"No, no, no. It's spelt, w-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-b-b-b-b-b, wooommmmmmmbbbbb!" said David.

This went on for a while until a nurse sitting behind them leant over and said, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing your discussion and I can tell you that it's spelt w-o-m-b, womb."

"I'm sorry, madam," said Brian, "but have you ever HEARD an elephant fart under water?"


LITTLE RED ROOSTER

A farmer owns about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Ziggy; "He'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Ziggy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ziggy. The farmer takes Ziggy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Ziggy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Ziggy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Ziggy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Ziggy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Ziggy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Ziggy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Ziggy dead as a door knob in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful creature, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ziggy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Ziggy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."


ONE SHOT

David Bowie walks into a bar and says to the landlord:
     "Give us a whiskey quick before the row starts"
The landlord pulls him a drink and David downs it in one.
     "What row?" asks the landlord
     "The one about me having no cash in my pocket" David replies.


I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE WORLD...

David and Iman went to the botanical gardens...
     "Kew?"
     "Yes, it was rather busy."

David took Iman to the West Indies...
     "Jamaica?"
     "No, she went of her own accord."

David went to St Petersburg...
     "Is he Russian?"
     "No, he's taking his time."

Iman's gone on holiday to Northern Italy...
     "Genoa?"
     "I should think so, we've been married for 12 years."

David once went completely mad in Venezuela...
     "Caracas?"
     "Yes, absolutely bloody loopy."

David and Iman went to the Welsh border...
     "Wye?"
     "Search me."

David got an upset tummy in Laos...
     "Inkhazi?"
     "Yes, constantly."

David caught a cold in the Gulf...
     "Qatar?"
     "Yes, he was coughing up greenies for weeks."

David and Iman went to a very bad concert in South East Asia...
     "Singapore?"
     "Absolutely terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too."

Bowie's gone on a singing tour of South Korea...
     "Seoul?"
     "No, R&B."

David went on a sailing course in Poole...
     "In Dorset?"
     "Yes, he'd recommend it to anyone."

David smoked a joint near Manchester...
     "In Hale?"
     "Yes and passed it around too."


A LION IN A BAG PLAYED THE TIGER RAG

A 17 year old saxophonist named Davy Jones is on the phone with his agent. He is concerned that he doesn't have a gig for a while. His agent tells him: "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions." To which Davy says, "What does that have to do with my sax playing?" The agent then says, "Look, the gig pays £100 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing." At this point Davy will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his saxophone with him while looking for the lions.

One day he notices a lion coming towards him and the only thing that he can think of doing is to play his saxophone. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get tired and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck. He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. Davy has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another. He says, "What the heck, one more won't hurt." He plays his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he plays louder. The lion starts to run towards him so he plays faster and faster, but the lion keeps coming towards him. The lion jumps on Davy and eats him.

One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over."


BANG BANG

David and Mick are playing a round of golf at Wentworth.
David tees up. "Four!" bang... straight on to the green, two inches from the hole.
He turns round to Mick and just smiles.

Mick tees up. "Four!" bang... the golf ball hits a woman on the side of her head.
"Oh shit!" shouts Mick.

They both run off towards the woman to make sure she is alright.
The woman is completely out cold, with blood dripping from her temple.
David gently cradles the woman's head in his lap.

"Quick Mick, go to the clubhouse and get a doctor" says David.

Mick runs off to the clubhouse.

"Is there a doctor in the house?" demands Mick.
A man steps up. "Yes I'm a doctor. What's the problem?"

Mick explains to the doctor about the woman.

"So where exactly did you hit her?" requires the doctor.
"Between the first and second hole" replies Mick.
"Fuck me" says the doctor. "That doesn't leave much room for a plaster."


PRISONER OF LOVE

David gets three months in prison for non payment of his internet telephone bill.

He is led to his cell by one of the prison wardens.

"Right then, you're in here Mr. Bowie" says the prison warden pointing to a cell.

David looks into the cell and sees the biggest, meanest hardest looking son of a bitch he has ever seen in his entire life.

"Fucking hell, I'm in shit street here" he thinks to himself.

David sits on the edge of his bunk.

"Allo mate" says David, trying to be friendly. "My name's David... what's yours?"

The huge gorilla of a man says absolutely nothing and just stares back at David.

Five hours has elapsed, and not a word is spoken between the two of them. There is a really uncomfortable feeling in the air. David is a little more than worried to say the least.

Eventually night time arrives. The silence is broken when the gorilla of a man says in a real deep slow threatening voice:

"Oi you. Let's play mummy's and daddys."
"Er no thank you" says David nervously.
"I SAID. Let's play mummy's and daddy's. And I'll be daddy."

David thinks 'Fuck that, no way. How the hell do I get out of this situation.'

David replies even more nervously "Erm... alright then, but only if I can be daddy."

"OK then" says the gorilla.
"Suck Mummy's cock!"


HANG ONTO YOURSELF!

David decides to have the full beauty and relaxation treatment for a special treat. He spends $250,000 for two weeks at the world's top health farm and feels really good about the results. On his way home he stops at a news-stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 53," David says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29? "I am actually 53. This makes him feel really good.

Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, so David thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 53." Completely stunned David says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds!"


Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
"Rick"
"Rick who?"
"Rick Ershay... it's not the end of the world"


ALTERNATIVE LYRICS: 'DRIVE IN CHRISTMAS DAY'

Let me put my hands on my bearded head
Gee it's late, are you in bed?
Don't forget to turn off the light
Don't wake babe it'll be alright
Pour me out another sherry
Another Mince Pie will leave me merry
Perhaps the strange presents on your list
A comb and a book and a watch for your wrist

And try to fly my sleigh like once before
When kiddies stared at starry skies in awe
Watching Rudolph at the fore

His name was always Santa
And he'd shrug and drive his sleigh
Then he'd sigh like Uncle Albert
And hasten on his way
I'm uncertain if we like him
But I know the children love him
It's a sack load full of presents
It's a drive in Christmas Day

Young and old children prayed for his work
Neither bribes or smiles would work
It's hard enough to keep being good
Even though children know that they should
Cursing at the snow in the sky
His hands are cold as the sleigh whizzes by
He's delivering gifts to Sylvia
Billy and Tina and thousands of men
With sniffing head he gazes to the night
One more push will see his years work right
Should be done by the dawns early light.


(© Written by Chris aka HeddonStBoy)


HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

A guy who worked in the MainMan offices got up from his desk one afternoon.
Tony DeFries asks him:

"Where do you think you're going?"
"To get my haircut." replies the guy.
"What? You're gonna get your haircut in office time?"
"Well it grew in office time."
"Not ALL of it did."
"Well I'm not getting it ALL cut off!"


WAITING SO LONG, I'VE BEEN WAITING

Iman was at Heathrow Airport waiting for David to return from his world concert tour. She spotted him at customs and waved, at which David waved back and shouted "F.F."
"E.F." shouted back Iman.
"F.F." came the reply, to which Iman again shouted "E.F." This went on for a while until eventually the customs officer's curiosity got the better of him and he asked, "Is that a special code that you have with that lady?"
"Sort of," said David. "She's my wife and she's just saying that she wants to eat first."


THREE INCH THOUGHTS

David Bowie walks into a pub and says, "Landlord, please give me two single whiskeys."
The landlord says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, I want them both now," David says. "One's for me and one's for my mate here," and he pulls a three-inch man out of his pocket.

"Can he drink?" the landlord asks.
"Oh, sure. He can drink," says David. So the landlord pours the drink and sure enough, the tiny man drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the landlord. "What else can he do - can he walk?"
David flicks a 10 pence piece down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Carlos. Go get that." The tiny man runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the coin, then runs back down and gives it to David.

The landlord is in total shock." That's bloody amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Can he talk?"
"Of course," says David. "Hey, Carlos, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."


LITTLE WONDER'S DOG

David Bowie was taking a stroll through Beverly Hills when he noticed Stevie Wonder standing on the corner with his dog when all of a sudden the dog raised it leg and pissed on Steve's trouser leg. Stevie reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

David crossed the road and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!"

"I'm not rewarding him, Stevie replied, "I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him up the arse."


'ERE... DIDN'T THEY TELL YOU TO GET YOUR HAIRCUT AT SCHOOL? YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLLING GNOME'

A Bowie fan goes into a hairdressers and asks for a Ziggy Stardust haircut.
When the barber has finished the lad's hair-do, he's got bright green and blue hair, half a fringe, a bald patch at the side, flat at the front and uneven lengths at the back.

"That's not a Ziggy Stardust haircut!" the fan complains.
"It's what he'd get if he came in here."


BECAUSE YOU'RE YOUNG

A complete nerd has finally got a date with a girl and decides to take her out to a posh restaurant in London. During dinner, he notices behind her, tucked away in a corner, David Bowie sitting with a party of friends. He waits for his date to go to the toilet and then rushes over.

He says to David, "Excuse me Mr Bowie, you don't know me but I really need a favour. I've been chasing this girl for months and I've finally got a date with her. I've drove her down to London, brought her out to this posh restaurant, spent a months salary on this date and she's still not impressed. She's a big fan of yours... if you'd just come over and pretend like you know me and say 'Hello Frank' or something she'd be really bowled over!"

With that Frank goes back to his table before his date returns.

A few minutes later David gets up to leave. On his way out he stops by the table, slaps the lad on the back and says "Hi Frank, good to see you again... how's it going?"

Frank turns round and replies: "Fuck off will ya Dave, can't you see I'm busy!"


Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers


LAW (EARTHLINGS ON FIRE)

David Bowie calls his lawyer and asks:

"How much would you charge me to answer three questions?"
"£900," the lawyer replies.

"Jesus," says David "That's a lot of money, isn't it?"
"I guess so," replies the lawyer. "What's your third question?"


LET ME SLEEP BESIDE YOU

By the time Sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Sailor assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Sailor.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."


TOM JONES INDEX?

David: "Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass Of Home.'
Can you help me?"
Doctor: "Ah yes, you appear to be suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome."
David: "Is it rare?"
Doctor: "Well... it's not unusual."


ALTERNATIVE LYRICS: 'GOLDEN BEERS'

Golden Beers, gold whop whop whop
Golden Beers, gold whop whop whop
Golden Beers, gold whop whop whop

Don't let me hear you say beer's taking you nowhere, Alky
Drink up my baby
Look at that bar, life's begun
Nights are warm and the beer is strong
Drink up my baby

There's my baby, drunk once more
Once I'm begging you shut that bar room door
Golden beers, gold whop whop whop
Drink up my baby

Last night they loved you, opening tins and pulling some beers, Alky
Drink up my baby
In walked luck and you drank some wine
Never throw up, walk straight, act fine
Drink up my baby

I'll drink with you baby for a thousand beers
Nothing's gonna touch you with these golden beers, gold
Golden beers, gold whop whop whop
Drink up my baby

Some of these days, and it won't be long
Gonna drink some beer which is really really strong
In the back of a dream bar twenty foot long
Don't cry my sweet, don't spill my beer
Doing all right, but you gotta get smart
drink upon, drink upon, day upon day, I believe oh lord
I drink all the day
Drink up my baby

There's my baby, drunk once more
Once I'm begging you, shut that bar room door
Golden beers, gold whop whop whop
Drink up my baby

Don't let me hear you say beer's taking you nowhere, Alky
Drink up my baby
Run for the barrels, run for the barrels
Run for the barrels of these golden beers

I'll drink with you baby for a thousand beers
Nothing's gonna touch you with these golden beers, gold
Golden beers, gold whop whop whop


(© Written by Chris aka HeddonStBoy)


OH YOU PRETTY THINGS!

During the 1995 David Bowie UK Convention there is a fancy dress competition.

Steve Lowe walks on stage dressed in a white silk kimono and a lightning flash across his face and announces: "Good evening everybody, I'm Aladdin Sane."

Next, Paul Kinder walks on dressed in a white shirt, black waistcoat, packet of Gitanes and slicked back orange hair and announces: "I'm The Thin White Duke."

Dave Priest gets up doing a mime sequence, dressed in a red bomber jacket, white boxing boots and a red spikey haircut and announces: "Hi I'm Ziggy Stardust."

Then Dara O'Kearney gets up on stage, dressed in a blue suit, spotty jumper with braces and a large Trilby hat and announces: "This ain't rock 'n' roll, this is Genoci... I'm Halloween Jack!... Slan libh."

Finally Steve Perrin, the fourth and final contestant gets up on stage, he's covered in blood from a deep head wound, covered in scratches, two broken arms, a fractured leg, a blackened eye and completely wrapped in bandages, and announces....

"Hi! I'm The Man Who Fell To Earth."


Q: What do you get if you cross an alligator with a pink monkey bird?
A: I haven't got a bloody clue!


ZIGGY'S LAST STAND?

There was a bloke in the Hammersmith Odeon Theatre, sprawled out over three seats. The usher came by and told the bloke to move. The bloke mumbled, but didn't answer, so the usher went to get the manager.

"Sir," the manager said to the man, "If you don't move, I'll call the police and have you removed." Again, the bloke mumbled, but didn't answer. So the manager called the police and an officer came over.

quot;Excuse me, sir," the police officer said to the bloke, "What's your name?"
"Pete," said the bloke.
"And where are you from, Pete?" asked the policeman.
"The balcony!" replied Pete.


Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
"Paul"
"Paul who?"
"Paul Weller"
"Who?"


IMAN DARLING

There was a butler who worked for David and Iman. One night, husband and wife went out for dinner. After a wonderful meal, Iman returned home earlier than David, and she called the butler, Sam, into her room.

She told him: "Sam, I want you to take my shoes off." So Sam took her shoes off. Next she said. "Sam, now I want you to take my stockings off." So Sam took her stockings off. "Now Sam, take my dress off. Now my bra, and now my panties. And Sam, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you're fired..."


Q: What do you call a bloke who likes watching herds of cows being blow up in the middle of a field?
A: The Voyeur Of Udder Destruction


COME ON YOU BLUES

David Bowie and Reeves Gabrels were chatting in the recording studios.

"Are you going to the match on Saturday?" asked Reeves.
"Chelsea are playing Arsenal."
"No," said David. "Iman won't let me."
"What?" said Reeves. "It's easy to get out of that. About an hour before the game, what you do is pick her up, take her to the bedroom, rip off her clothes and make mad, passionate love to her. Then she'll let you do anything you want."
"I'll try that," said David.

The following day, Reeves and David are back in the recording studios.

"How come you didn't make it to the game?" asked Reeves.
"Well, I'll tell you what happened," said David. "About an hour before kick-off, I did as you said. I picked her up, took her to the bedroom and ripped off her clothes. And then I thought, fuck it, Chelsea haven't been playing that well recently anyway."


SWEET HEAD

Ziggy Stardust is giving sweet head to a young woman.

"My word! You've got a large vagina. My word! You've got a large vagina," he says.
"There's no need to say it twice" she says.
"I DIDN'T!" replies Ziggy.


HE ASKED FOR AN AUTOGRAPH...

A young autograph hunter was chuffed to bits when he got Paul Weller's autograph after a show. The following night he accosted Mr Weller again and got his autograph, and after the very next show he tried to get it again.

"Look," said Paul, "This is the third time you've asked me for my autograph. What the hell is going on?"

"Well, said the lad, "If I can get eight more of yours I can swap them for one of David Bowie's."


LIKE A ROLLING STONE

One day, a few years back, Keith Moon was having a party at his house. He had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. Keith was also more than a little eccentric, and he had filled his swimming pool with crocodiles.

So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

Keith gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves.

Keith looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves.

"OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time.

"OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Mick Jagger dives in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.

Keith jumps down from the tower and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"

"I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later"
"I don't want the cars or the planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don't want those either."
"Do you want the drugs now or later?"
"I don't want the drugs."
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the girls."
Keith looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"
"I want the bastard that pushed me in!"


SEVEN YEARS IN TIBET?

A Chinese man goes for a job as a roadie on David Bowie's Earthling World Tour.

"Can you drive?" asks the Tour Manager.
"No," says the China man.
"Can you tune up guitars?" asks the Tour Manager.
"No," says the China man.
"Can you help set up the stage?" asks the Tour Manager.
"No," says the China man. The Tour Manager is thinking 'Christ we've got a right one here', but after a bit he says, "OK, you can work on supplies."

Three months later, the world tour hits America and the Tour Manager is walking around on the stage. "Has anyone seen that China man we took on a few months ago," he asks. Just then, the China man jumps out from behind some speakers and shouts, "Suplise!"





'Now then, what rhymes with Sense of Doubt?
'bout... shout... nowt... pout... gout...
Bollocks to it. I'll do another instrumental!'



TO THE NEXT WHISKEY BAR

On reaching his plane seat David Bowie is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me whiskey, you stupid cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets David's coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whiskey, you slapper."

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness David tries the parrot's approach.

"I've asked you twice for coffee, go and get it now, you thick bitch," he shouts at the stewardess.

The next moment both David and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. The parrot turns to David and says, "Bloody hell David, you've got a right gob on you for someone who can't fly!"


Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.


THE PARROT SKETCH?

Iman walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The shop keeper tells her he only has one and that it's a real smart-arse, with vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament. Iman says, "That's OK, I know how to handle arseholes like that - I want the parrot anyhow."

So Iman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she takes her skirt off the parrot says: "AWK... NICE LEGS, BABY." Well, Iman isn't going to take this shit, so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for three minutes. While the parrot's in the freezer, he comes to the realisation that this was the wrong thing to say, and makes a mental note not say it again.

The next night, Iman is getting ready for bed and this time the parrot knows not to say anything about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra, the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts: "AWK... GREAT TITS BABY! GIVE 'EM A SHAKE!". Once again this pisses Iman right off and she decides that instead of three minutes in the freezer, she's going to keep the parrot in for five minutes.

Well, the parrot has lots of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation and then anger. Finally, Iman opens the freezer door, takes out the near frozen parrot and asks, "Well, have you learned your lesson?"

The parrot still shivering and barely able to speak says, "AWK... YEAH, YEAH, BUT CAN I ASK JUST ONE QUESTION?"
"Yes, what is it?" says Iman.
"AWK... WHAT THE FUCK DID THE TURKEY DO? ASK FOR A BLOW-JOB?"


Q: How many David Bowie fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10,001. One to change it, and 10,000 to record the event and take pictures of it.


SO WHERE'S THE MORAL?

One day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteers to tell their story; little Suzie raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and on to the road."

The teacher asks for moral of the story and Suzie replies,
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy... "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the twelve eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replied,
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy... "My Uncle Jerry fought in the Vietnam War, his plane was shot down over enemy territory, but he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine-gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine-gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
"Of course there is." Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Jerry when he's been drinking."


THOMAS JEROME NEWTON

David goes into a pub with a newt sitting on his shoulder.

"That's a nice newt, says the landlord, "What's he called?"
"Tiny," replies David.
"Why's that?" asks the landlord.
"Because he's my newt," says David.


WIN A DATE WITH IMAN

A huge fan of Iman's wins a date with her in a competition. Naturally, he's very nervous when they meet and when he sees her in real life, she turns out to look even more gorgeous than she does on the screen and in photographs, beautifully dressed in a designer outfit, with her beautiful eyes sparkling in the light.

Clearing his throat, the fan offers Iman a drink. "Erm, would you like a Tia Maria or a Martini, Iman?"

"Oh, a Tia Maria," says Iman. "Tia Maria to me is like a deep sunset over a forest of blazing russet trees. It makes me glow and shimmer like a ray of light bouncing off an icy lake in winter. Martini, on the other hand, makes me fart."


WE ARE THE GOON SQUAD AND WE'RE COMING TO TOWN.....

David decides to splash out and buys a 1998 Turbo BeepBeep. It's the best and most expensive car in the world, and it costs him £750,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on an even older looking moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car's that?" David replies, "A 1998 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost £750,000."

"That's a lot of money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles per hour!" says David proudly.
"Can I take a look inside?" ask the old man asks.

"Sure," replies David. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a nice car, all right."

Just then the lights change, so David decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320mph.

Suddenly, David notices a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhooooooooooosssssssshhhhhhhhh! Something flies by him! Going maybe three times as fast! David wonders what on earth could be going faster than his Turbo BeepBeep. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him. Whhhooooooooooosssssssshhhhhhhhh! It goes by again! And, it looks distinctly like the old man on the moped!

"It couldn't be," thinks David. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?" But again, he sees a dot in the rear-view mirror! WhhhooooooshhhhhhhhhKa-BbbbbblaMMMMMM!
It ploughs straight into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

David jumps out and is amazed to discover it is the old man. He's in a bad way so David says to him, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yeah, says the old man. "You could unhook my braces from your nearside mirror."





"I don't know... you do a favour for a mate... help out on his world tour
and the coffee is out of a bloody vending machine!..."


DAVID BOWIE'S TOP TEN SONGS

  1. Gimme Gimme Gimme Iman After Midnight - David Bowie
  2. When The Wind Blows - Monica Lewinski
  3. Unwashed And Somewhat Slightly Dazed - Supertramp
  4. Under Pressure - Bill Clinton
  5. Hallo Spaceboy - John Glenn
  6. Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent - Marion Brent
  7. I'm Afraid Of Americans - Saddam Hussein
  8. I'm Deranged - Saddam Hussein
  9. Hang Onto Yourself - Pee Wee Herman
10. Never Let Me Down - Luscious Linda (Blow Up Doll)


DAVID BOWIE'S TOP TEN BOOKS

  1. Let's Dance - by Reg Hughes
  2. I Dig Everything - by Alan Titchmarsh
  3. Take My Tip - by John Holmes
  4. Moss Garden - by George O'Dowd
  5. Five Years - by Lester Piggott
  6. It's Not The End Of The World - by Rick Ershay
  7. How To Pinch Your Best Mates Bird - by Tony Day
  8. Fantastic Voyage - by Vasco de Gamma
  9. How To Get Pissed And Save Money In The Pub - by Brendan O'Lear
10. Repetition - by W.W. Double Hugh


A LITTLE RED BOX

Each time Ziggy Stardust visited this pub he had a little red box with him.

The barmaid is finally overcome with interest, and asks, 'What's in the box?'

To which Ziggy replies, 'The most amazing frog ever. He loves to go down on women and he is really great.' He suggests she might like to find out just how good the frog is, so they go in the back room where she takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs apart. Ziggy then takes the frog out of the little red box and places him between her legs. After several minutes nothing is happening. Ziggy reaches down and picks the frog up, and shaking him says, 'Now listen; I am going to show you just one more time!'



LIKE SOME CAT FROM JAP.. FLORIDA

Shirley was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," Dennis responded, then returned to his book.

Shirl persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

Dennis again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Shirl asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, Dennis dropped his book and pounced on Shirley, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Shirley dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"


ALTERNATIVE LYRICS: 'KITCHEN DAYDREAM'

I'm a percolator,
I'm a salt-pepper shaking for you
I'm the mashed potato,
I'll be a stir 'n' fryin' bitch for you
Keep your oven shut,
You're cooking me a pink turkey bird
And I'm mixing up my sauce that's well stirred

Keep your 'lectric toaster on me babe
Put your ladle to my head
Press your waffles close to mine, love
Cook out in a kitchen daydream oh yeah!

Don't bake it baby,
Fry the real thing for me
The joint of ham, love,
Is such a salty joint to see
Cake me baby, make me soufflés filled with air
Make me chomp into éclair

Keep your apple pie on me babe
Put your beans can to my head
Press your napkin close to mine, love
Freak out in a kitchen daydream oh yeah!
(repeat x3)

Cook out, far out, pig out (etc)


(© Written by Chris aka HeddonStBoy)



SOME TURKISH DELIGHT?

Erdal Kizilcay boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she's reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average girth.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Kowalski, he replies, "Nice to meet you."




YOU LITTLE WONDER, LITTLE WONDER YOU

So there was Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo all sat down in the woods talking.

Snow White proclaims: "I am the most BEAUTIFUL girl in the world."
"Oh no you're not" say the other two.
"Oh yes I am." she replied.
"Well go and ask the wizard at the castle and see what he says." says Tom.
So Snow White goes off to see the wizard in the castle.
Five minutes later Snow White returns with a huge smile on her face.
"See I told you. The wizard said I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb then announces: "I am the SMALLEST person in the world."
"Oh no you're not." say the other two.
"Oh yes I am." Tom replied.
"Well go and ask the wizard at the castle and see what he says." says Quasimodo.
So Tom Thumb goes off to see the wizard in the castle.
Ten minutes later Tom Thumb returns also with a huge smile on his face.
"See I told you. The wizard said I AM the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo not wanting to feel left out, proclaims: "I am the UGLIEST man in the world."
"Oh no you're not." say Snow White and Tom Thumb.
"Oh yes I am." retorts Quasimodo.
"Well go and ask the wizard at the castle and see what he says." says Snow White.
Fifteen minutes later Quasimodo returns visibly upset and crying his eyes out.
"Oh dear Quasi what an earth's the matter?" asks Snow White.
"Who the fuck is Paul Weller?" asks Quasimodo.




PEOPLE ARE TURNING TO GOLD

A man comes home very late one night, pissed out of his mind, to find his wife waiting for him at the door.

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" she screams, "It's FOUR IN THE MORNING!"

He says, "Aww, I just stopped at this club, I was only going to have one pint and listen to the band... but this club, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold pint glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept on ordering pints, so I could stay in the club and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Gents, they had gold-plated urinals... it was absolutely wonderful."

"I don't believe that story for one minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?"
"Fucked if I can remember," he replies, "I'm far too pissed up."
"You'll have to prove it to me tomorrow then, when you sober up, or else I'm going to divorce you!" said his wife.

The next day, the man looks through The Yellow Pages under CLUBS, but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the clubs listed, and ask the owners about the decor in their establishments.
He's called about 50 clubs, and still no luck. Finally he calls one club, asks his question, and the owner says, "Yes, this is the club with all the gold-plated stuff.
"Here," the man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask the owner if I'm lying!".

The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the owner about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night... the rails, the pint glasses, the mirrors, the table posts and the cash register. Finally, she says, "Now, this may seems like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals, do you?"

The owner puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell. "Hey David! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone last night."




Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. One to do it and the other 49 to say "I could've done that!"




TIM POPE?... NAH! THE OTHER ONE!

His Holiness the Pope is visiting England and David Bowie decides he'd like to meet him. He drives to the Pope's residence, has his audience with the holy man and they have a wonderful conversation together.

"I'm rather late for a very important meeting," the Pope tells David.
"Any chance of a lift?"
David agrees and decides to drive the Pope to his meeting.
"I would appreciate it if we could go as fast as possible" he tells David.
David agrees, but being a law-abiding fellow, doesn't do more than 70 miles per hour on the motorway. This infuriates the Pope, who badgers David to go faster, but with no success.
Eventually the Pope says, "Look, I really do have to get to this meeting. It's is extremely important. You sit in the back and I'll drive."

David feels he can't refuse His Holiness, so they change places and set off. The Pope really puts his foot down and before long they're doing well over 100 miles per hour. Inevitably, though, a few miles down the road they get pulled over by the police.

The officer comes over to the car, looks in and then walks away to radio his boss.

"Chief, chief," he says into this radio, "I think I might have just pulled over someone really, really important."
"Is it the Prime Minister?" asks the chief.
"No," says the officer, "More important than him."
"Is it Prince Charles?" asks the chief.
"No," says the officer, "More important than him."
"Well, is it the Queen?" asks the chief.
"No sir," replies the officer. "More important than her."
"Well, who on earth is it then?" asks the chief.
"I don't know, sir," says the officer, "But he's got the Pope driving him around!"




David Bowie Wonderworld 30/6/83

"I'm Jake The Peg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um.
With my extra leg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um."


THE MAN WHO SOLD THE SHARES

David Bowie went into a bank. Reaching the head of the queue, he said to the bank clerk, "I wanna open a fucking bank account."

"Certainly, sir," answered the bank clerk, "But there's no need to use that kind of language."
"Look, lady. I just wanna open a fucking bank account," growled David.
"I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the bank clerk, blushing slightly, "But I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."
"Just let me open a fucking account, OK?" he said.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off clerk, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with the manager, who asked how he could be of service.
"I've just received £35 million on the stock market," snarled David, "And all I wanna do is open a fucking account."
"I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this fucking BITCH is giving you trouble?"


Q: How many lead guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. They don't like to share the spotlight.


AFRICAN NIGHT FLIGHT

David Bowie is travelling through the thickest jungles in South Africa when he comes across a temple. David is entranced by the temple, and asks a local guide for details.

The guide says that the archaeologists are excavating, and still finding great treasurers. David then asks how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1,503 years old," replies the guide. Impressed at the accurate dating, David inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. "Easy," replies the guide, "The archaeologists said the temple was 1,500 years old, and that was three years ago."


THE PRETTIEST STAR

David Bowie walks into a pub after finishing off in the recording studio. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively, "You've got great hair!". David looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same voice say, "You're a brilliant singer!". David looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said, "What a superb artist you are!" David was so baffled by this that he asked the landlord what was going on. The landlord said, "Oh, it's the peanuts on the bar - they're complimentary."


WATCH THAT MAN

David Bowie walks into a pub and sits on a stool. In front of him he sees a big jar full of fivers and a little card which reads: 'Hello, if you'd like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of bar laugh. Entry fee: £5.'

"I'll have a crack at that," thinks David, sticks five quid in the jar and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that it pisses on the floor. So David takes the money and leaves.

The very next day David walks into the pub again and sees the horse and the jar, this time full of tenners, with a sign stating, 'You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. Entry fee: £10. So David puts in his tenner and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like a baby. So David takes the jar, but before he can leave the landlord asks, "How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, says David, "the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, and the second time I showed him!"


ANAGRAMS

DAVID ROBERT JONES

Sir Jon Todd Beaver
Investor dread job
Rob jaded investor
Joe darts ovenbird
Vendors editor jab
Restored divan jab
Strained Dover job
Arrived Dobson Jet
Arrived stoned job
Job trends avoider
Joins bored advert
Starved join bored
Donates driver job
Invader sorted job
Invader strobe job
To join red adverbs
Adored job striven
Snorted varied job
Snorted jive board
Did Jon sort Beaver?
Rooster band jived
Deviants order job
Joined drab voters
Strobed adorn jive
Brad voted joiners
Traded job version
Veteran sordid job
Darned robots jive
Oddest banjo river
Served broad joint
Nor as diverted job
Adverbs trod Joe in
Advisor to nerd job
Arrived snob jet do
Adverbs doer jet in
Brian drove sod jet
Rent or job advised
Joint beards drove
Strive job adorned
Drain jot observed
Varied rodents job
Joint Dad observer
Inverts adored job
Edits banjo drover
Stoned Arbor jived
Overdone dirt jabs
Jet invaders brood
Indorsed Bravo jet
Janitors bred dove
Tender job advisor
Indorse advert job
Advertiser nod job
Nor advertised job
Or diverted banjos
Diverted arson job
Dirt job endeavors
Janitor drove beds
Revised banjo trod
Roasted driven job
Rodents Broad jive
Advert donor jibes
Indoor Jet adverbs
Jot ordained verb
Jab inverted doors
Never did jab torso
Reborn toads jived
No vet jab disorder
Adverbs torn Joe ID


THOMAS JEROME NEWTON

A mere Jones moth town
A met moon threw Jones
Won't Jones memo Earth?
Jones meant whore Tom
Oh! Jones water moment
Jones man theme or two
Jones man here, Tom two
Jones man, where motto?
Jones man hero met two
Jones man threw me too
Jones man whet me root
Them Tao Jones worn me
Me men throw Tao Jones
Meet whom on Jones Art?
He Tom own me Jones Art
Jones Art... own met home
When Jones art met moo
Jones art me went homo
One whom met Jones art
Jones at home - net worm
Jones threw me at moon
Major T. me on these now
Major T. neon sow theme
Major T. new Moon sheet
Major T. he met own nose
Honest men owe Major T.
Meet Major T. he on snow
DAVID JONES

And so jived
Did Joe's van
No Dads jive
No jived ads
Dad Son jive


DAVID BOWIE

Avoid web ID
I do view bad
I wed via DOB
I diva bowed
I do diva web
We avoid bid
Idea bid vow
Web aid void

IMAN ABDULMAJID

I jab a dud mailman
I DB aid jam manual
Julia bid a madman
ZIGGY STARDUST

Tasty drugs Zig
Gaz's dirty tugs
Sty Rats dug Zig
Ritzy dust gags
Gutsy drag zits
Rats study gigz

ALADDIN SANE

Dad's an alien!
Aid nasal end
Dead in nasal
Adds an alien
Alien and sad
Sailed 'n' Dana
Sienna lad ad
And alias end

THE THIN WHITE DUKE

Hindu Keith Hewett
Edit thee with Kuhn
Tied thee with Kuhn






Have you got any good David Bowie jokes to add to these? Please email me at




David Bowie Wonderworld: Home Top Downloadable David Bowie Multimedia
Created: April 1998 © Paul Kinder Last Updated: 14/2/13