The JackieC 'Existentialist World Tour' Online Journal

31st July 2003

Dear Fans,

I can't begin to express how touched the band and I are by the sackloads of fan mail and gifts you've been sending each day. Si now has enough Brasso to last his lucky brass underpants a lifetime, and I shall never want for a Jammy Dodger again! Thanks too for sending us so many snaps of yourselves in compromising positions - you'll be pleased to know that SLS has acquired a four-drawer filing cabinet for the purpose of archiving this fascinating material. SLS, being a creative genius, has had the marvellous idea of releasing a series of live albums with your pix as the cover artwork! Who says the JackieC Band aren't generous when it comes to giving due credit to their fans!

Australian fans will be thrilled to hear that we now have an Official Australian Fan Club President - the incredibly talented Lil Wonder, who is an expert on marsupials and will be employing a team of kangaroos to hop the latest tour updates to our devoted fans in the Outback. Assisting Lil Wonder will be our new agent for Australia and Tasmania, the ever-practical 96dbFreak, who will be making sure we get through our Festival gigs in Tibooburra and Kookynie without getting killed by wildlife. 96dbFreak has already given us invaluable advice on the types of creepy-crawlies we're likely to encounter in our tents (and I don't mean sycophantic groupies!), so I've been having a practice run in the Insect House of London Zoo. I'm pleased to tell you that I can now tell the difference between a funnel web spider and the scary bit of stalk on top of a tomato.

The big news at JackieC HQ is that our new single, catchily entitled 'Number One (In the Hit Parade)', is due for release in September. As I write, The Si-Monator is churning out copies on his personal computer like mad! Which is where YOU, our fans, come in. We're looking for dedicated people to join the 'JNet Hit Squad'. All you have to do is volunteer to take a copy of our new single (which you'll shortly be able to purchase online from JNet) to your local record store, and then persuade the person behind the counter to display it in the Top 10 rack. Fans who manage to do this in more than five stores will win the opportunity to meet our world famous Head of Security, Mr. Ed, at the stage door of one of our gigs! Sign up today on the JackieC World Tour guestbook to be a part of the action!

Fans are also needed as volunteers for our new 'Topple BlueBlue' campaign. Those of you who've been following our madcap rock 'n' roll antics in the 'JackieC World Tour Book', edited by the hugely talented Simon Radcliffe, will know that BlueBlue is a dangerous artistic rival! Posing as a warm-up act, BlueBlue has managed to secure a night at Wembley Arena, promising us that he'll take the support slot and then hand the stage over to us. But we're not fooled! BlueBlue has overlooked the fact that we already have a support act - the wonderful Kinky Darlings - and I can assure you that the Kinkies are far from happy about BlueBlue trying to usurp their privileged position as the JackieC pop faves. As for BlueBlue's promise that he'll stick to doing a few Rolf Harris numbers and then let yours truly step into the hallowed spotlight of Wembley Arena, don't believe a word of it! I'm telling you, once he's got himself comfortable, he won't budge. However, what BlueBlue doesn't know is that we're one step ahead of him. The Si-Monator, having a perfectly-honed Machiavellian mind, has cooked up a foolproof plan to oust BlueBlue on the night of the gig. It's all very hush-hush, but I can tell you that Si's plan involves Gaz's magical cape and the famous River Thames! All we need our loyal fanbase to do is assist Si by creating a diversion. Soooo... anything you can smuggle in under your t-shirts - stink bombs, whoopie cushions, etc - will help us enormously. When you receive a signal from Si, who'll be lurking in the wings wearing a disguise, be sure to let rip with your diversionary tactics!

I'm hoping, for the Wembley Arena gig, to secure the services of the world-renowned media personality and chat-show host, Paul Kinder. He'd make a fantastic compere for the show, and could maybe do a DJ stint for the aftershow party in the foyer. It would be a real coup for the tour, and I'm told he's an outrageous dresser! The Six Mile Bottom Evening Examiner has already been on to me asking if Paul's appearance is in the bag, but as I told them, Paul doesn't do 60s-style peace protests wearing a mail sack. He's a postmodern entertainment icon who wears up-to-the-minute schmutter and takes very good care of his barnet, thank you very much! Fingers crossed he'll show up, fans, otherwise it'll be cassette tapes and a can of pop on the pavement at chucking out time.

Finally, I must mention that I've received a postcard from a Mr. Pootle of Surbiton asking me if I know of any other tours happening at the same time as ours. The poor man was too late in getting tickets for our own sell-out world tour, and so has found himself at a bit of a loose end for the rest of the year. Having had a flick through some old copies of the NME (which I'd conveniently stuffed under my wardrobe), I'm happy to say I can now point the unfortunate Mr. Pootle in this direction: 2003 Reality World Tour.

It won't be as good as my tour, but it's better than nowt and will at least stop the desperate Mr. Pootle buying a ticket for any extra dates BlueBlue might be plotting.

Oh yes, before I forget - if any of you are taking your summer holiday by the Caspian Sea this year, don't be alarmed if you see a Messianic-looking figure rising from the ocean wearing earphones. It'll be our musical director, Stephen Stroud, checking out the acoustics for the special underwater JNet gig. Stephen's due to surface any day now, so if you do see him, and you think he might be suffering from the bends, don't worry - our technical people are rushing out a decompression chamber as we speak!

To keep up to date with the latest news of our world-beating world tour, and to see the Fabulous Angel's exclusive pre-tour photos, visit the JackieC World Tour Book

Love on ya all from the JackieC Band!

31st July 2003.